So I never thought I’d do this sort of thing and actually thought blogging was a bit ridiculous, but I need somewhere to put down my thoughts that seems public but private at the same time. So here it is.
Why ubernothing? Well, to be honest, that sort of what I feel like. I often feel invisible, unappreciated, ignored, and taken advantage of, and sometimes I really can’t see the love that others show me. I have two kids, whom I absolutely adore, a 4 year old girl and 1 year old boy. I’ve been married to my husband for 6 yrs although it took us 5 1/2 yrs to get married, so that makes us together for 11 yrs. And I just turned 3-0, so I’m feeling somewhat more motivated for change than before.
I weigh 210 lbs and have struggled with my weight since puberty, really, along with my skin. I’m basically a fat, pimply person in a loveless marriage. Fun, huh? I’d really love to be home with my kids, but I ship them off every day so I can go to work, in a job that I tolerate but don’t like all that much and that I wish I could just box up and ship off to some distant place without consequences.
I think that’s one of the main things about me–what I want always seems unachievable. There are too many consequences, or I’d have to sacrifice too much (in my mind, at least), to get there. Take, for instance, staying home with my kids. I’d have to take Girl out of preschool, wouldn’t be able to send Boy, and we’d have to make lifestyle choices that I’m not really prepared to make (i.e. no formal activities for Girl and Boy, no eating out, no new clothes/toys for kids, etc.) The biggest thing is the school. I really feel strongly about sending them to this school, even if it is expensive. It’s the best one around and this is Girl’s 2nd year at the school. Public school, no matter how fantastic it may be here compared to other places, just won’t cut it for my kids, and I speak from first hand experience.
Ok, the weight. Husband suggested we start a running program–he bought a treadmill this summer that’s gone unused thus far–so we can start being more sexually attracted to one another again. Nice, Husband. So we started tonight. I “got” to go first (Boy needed to be brought down at the end because he woke up and couldn’t be consoled by Husband) and it sucked. Hurt. Burned. What did I do afterwards? Ate a whole bunch of ice cream. Didn’t even just eat it–had it hidden in the freezer so Husband wouldn’t know about it and then wrapped it in a paper towel to bring it to couch just in case Husband came up earlier than expected from his stint on the treadmill. So…busted my butt for 30 minutes and then ate probably double or triple (at least) the calories I just burned. I can’t seem to control myself with that.
I’ll try to post often here to get my thoughts–confessions–out where someone else can read them if they aren’t too bored by it. Hopefully I’ll go from feeling like ubernothing to some kind of something.
stop.
Journey Out of Nothingness 